Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”