Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
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[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?