My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating