My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Doggies just call it style.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”