A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
the rocks need my help