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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.