I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion