A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
#CoronaOutbreak
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster