“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Hitlers gonna hitl
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’