Ok, but like, how married are you?
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.