*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance