Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married