This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.