When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
No laws when master is gone
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill