The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel