Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
based al yankovic
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires