[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Venn
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.