Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
saving face 👀
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
at ease…shoulder.