my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
This is the best one I’ve seen
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.