Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Awesome parenting 😂
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of