7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
This fish is cracking me up
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts