Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Hey I worked for it too!
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.