She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
You Might Also Like
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Life cycle of cat
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Whoa 😂