Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Cha-ching is my safe word
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
This is so me 😂😂
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.