DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?