“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You Might Also Like
sigh
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Me sliding into hell like
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok