break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
You Might Also Like
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Hello Twits.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Investing in beetcoin
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…