If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
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If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby