My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I am crying