Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there