asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.