God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.