Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
You Might Also Like
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow