Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
beware of dog
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!