Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.