“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit