I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Word!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.