Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE