Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open