So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
me irl
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones