Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
This bar smells like my childhood.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.