true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.