[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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shit this isn’t my notes app
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Meanwhile in Canada…
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.