“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
2022: I can fix it
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume