“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.