did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Always leave them wanting their money back.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There’s only one good girl here!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.