Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
You Might Also Like
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.