what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis