how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.