*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
So creative 😂
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.